I try to focus but everything's twisted
Jul. 5th, 2014 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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calvino[The warrior does not fear death.
That much Zhang Liao is confident about. No matter the odds against him, he knows with iron clad certainty that death's threats and mocking tones fall on deaf ears.
And yet there is something still that trembles within his being. He isn't scared of dying, for that is part of the path of a warrior, and he accepts. But what gnaws at him, like a small but steady drill that slowly but surely chips at a chink in his diamond-hard resolve...it cannot be described with words, but can only be felt with his heart. And in matters of the heart, Zhang Liao has no mastery of them at all. He had thought himself stronger than this, and it's both painful and loathsome to him to stand outside the door and knock three times.
But the whispers of his conscience has turned into a roar, and he can no longer bury and deny them. Not when they are buried with the screams of the dead and departed.
Zhang Liao knocks and announces himself to the one man that could give him the clarity he seeks.]
Master Chen Gong. Pardon me for this intrusion but may I have a few words with you?
That much Zhang Liao is confident about. No matter the odds against him, he knows with iron clad certainty that death's threats and mocking tones fall on deaf ears.
And yet there is something still that trembles within his being. He isn't scared of dying, for that is part of the path of a warrior, and he accepts. But what gnaws at him, like a small but steady drill that slowly but surely chips at a chink in his diamond-hard resolve...it cannot be described with words, but can only be felt with his heart. And in matters of the heart, Zhang Liao has no mastery of them at all. He had thought himself stronger than this, and it's both painful and loathsome to him to stand outside the door and knock three times.
But the whispers of his conscience has turned into a roar, and he can no longer bury and deny them. Not when they are buried with the screams of the dead and departed.
Zhang Liao knocks and announces himself to the one man that could give him the clarity he seeks.]
Master Chen Gong. Pardon me for this intrusion but may I have a few words with you?
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Date: 2014-07-08 11:24 pm (UTC)...That's true.If Zhang Liao thinks Chen Gong is going to stop at that, he's really got the wrong idea of him. His ambition, his pride- it's basically nonexistent now, but struggling to take hold. The feeling of being slammed against the wall does make him pause, though.
What is he doing? Why is he letting this soldier boss him around? Sure, Zhang Liao is much more than an ordinary goon, but the sheer ridiculousness of the situation finally clicks in his stress-clouded head. And his look of pain at the force Zhang Liao just used turns into a glare.]
What I'm surprised at is how you think Master Lu Bu doesn't know. [About his 'viperous nature', he means. Wait, he's not finished, don't kill him.] But fine, you look upon me with revulsion.
Give me whatever you think is the due punishment, then. [...] I just wonder how the army is going to do if the strategist is injured.
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Date: 2014-07-09 12:26 am (UTC)But Chen Gong is still correct. As much as he loathes it, the army can't operate without a strategist. Master Lu Bu may not listen but Chen Gong's directions are very effective; if they wanted any chance of coming out of tomorrow alive (victory is impossible if the leader of the army refuses to listen to his strategist, so defeated but alive to fight another day is the best he can hope for), it would be from this man's mouth.
...and what on earth is he doing in the first place? Shame fills him and he immediately drops and pulls away from Chen Gong. He's a general of this army, not some ruffian that solves his problems through brute force. And tonight, of all nights, tonight should be a time for solidarity, not for internal bickering and quarrels over petty matters. How could he have let his own inner turmoil spil into what is supposed to be a civil discussion between two men? How could he claim to have a warrior's honor when he's trying to bully and intimidate Chen Gong?
He cannot be a warrior without honor.
And there is no honor in muscling your way through things; he had strength, but he had not the warrior's might because without honor, one cannot be a warrior.
The realization sinks in and he falls to his knees, chastened.]
I beg your pardon, Master Chen Gong. I have wronged you tremendously. If anyone should be punished, it is me.
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Date: 2014-07-09 01:15 am (UTC)But Chen Gong hasn't been using his normal demeanor for days. Maybe even weeks.
(He knows what it's like, to be lost in your own ideals and philosophy. Every rumor has a smidgen of truth.)]
Well, by your definition, I've wronged you as well. So I suppose I can consider us both even. [...He's being civil also because he doesn't want to get punched again. That's definitely a contributing factor. But no human is a completely hopeless slimeball, Zhang Liao- he does have some empathy! He just doesn't pay attention to it much. Chen Gong would only spill about his real feelings when death is truly staring down at his face, though- so he'll not tell anyone about his own annoyances. At least, not now.
And thus, he never will.]Do you believe we can unite the lands now?
[Do you, Zhang Liao?]
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Date: 2014-07-09 01:36 am (UTC)I believe that we will accomplish what our lord wills.
[And what Lord Lu Bu wills is the fight, and the fight alone. Don't lie to him Chen Gong, just...just don't. It's your job to tell them all the unpleasant truths.]
And what do you believe, Master Chen Gong?
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Date: 2014-07-09 04:12 am (UTC)Except someone will probably invade and kill you. Eventually. Tough times.]
Lord Cao Cao has overstepped his boundaries. [He should've killed him when he had the chance.] This will eventually result in his undoing. I do believe that, should Master Lu Bu listen to my tactics, we will have nothing to fear.
[Which should be the 'unpleasant truth'. They have everything to fear, because nothing will make Lu Bu listen. Not even his own daughter.]
You know of my history with the enemy. Loss is not an option for me.
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Date: 2014-07-09 10:09 am (UTC)Zhang Liao doesn't say anything for a moment. He merely regards Chen Gong with weary eyes, the fire in them having dimmed down after his outburst. Perhaps Chen Gong hasn't noticed admist the flurry of blades and the bloodbaths Zhang Liao leaves behind when he's done with the enemy, but those have been his eyes for the past few battles. The battles could be quicker, cleaner, if Chen Gong's plans had been adopted. It is almost as if Lord Lu Bu turned a deaf ear to choose the bloodiest path ahead.
Such a path will eventually lead to destruction. What is more chilling though, is that that is a path that Lord Lu Bu will wilingly walk on. Zhang Liao...he can't say he agrees anymore. Not after everything that's happened, and not when so many lives are at stake. He thinks of the men under his charge, of the hopes everyone has for Lord Lu Bu. That they perish for the sake of one man's battle lust...he isn't so blinded by his own pursuit of his path to ignore their plight.
An outsider might comment on how strange it is that two men who have fought side by side in the same battles for so many years could grow so differently.]
Master Chen Gong, forgive me for my impunity and my boldness to presume, but we both know...that Lord Lu Bu will not listen.
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Date: 2014-07-10 12:14 am (UTC)Chen Gong's expression turns even more despondent, because if even this guy thinks that... he's tried everything. From begging, to endless persuasion. Hell, he even brought up Ling Qi at one point. 'If you don't follow my orders, what will become of her?' He only ended up with a weapon very near his face and searing the tip of his mustache.
Lu Bu isn't just bloodthirsty. He's bloodthirsty and delusional. He honest-to-god believes that muscling his way through everything will make the pieces fall into place. What happened to that ambitious, far-looking warrior of unmatchable strength Chen Gong met at Hulao Gate?
Never existed. Well, he existed, only in Chen Gong's mind.]
A strategist's job is to overcome all disadvantages. [Including their own leader failing to listen.] If you follow my orders, you will not die.
[He means that if you want to escape and run, I'm going to make a route out if possible and leave Lu Bu to die. And most likely Ling Qi, seeing how devoted she is to her father.]
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Date: 2014-07-10 02:20 am (UTC)Perhaps he and Chen Gong were more similar than they both thought. And Zhang Liao finds that he has no one to blame but himself for his own short-sighted failings. Lord Lu Bu had only ever been true to himself. It was Zhang Liao who had fabricated this illusion, and landed himself in this mess once that mirage vanished with the wind.]
I do not fear death, for as a warrior lives by the blade so must he accept his death by the blade. I only wish that when I enter tomorrow's battle, I will do so with no regrets.
[And...he can't do that, can he? He has regrets piling up fifty feet high. Though for Lingqi...Zhang Liao falls silent for a moment, before he speaks with careful consideration of his words.]
Someone must take care of young Lady Lingqi.
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Date: 2014-07-10 03:07 am (UTC)Born to a tyrant. Lived by a tyrant. Chen Gong could've killed Cao Cao when he has the chance, and he's not sure if he regrets his decision. But Ling Qi's only real freedom was the choice to participate directly in battle, or not. Obviously, most women don't have too many choices in life, but Ling Qi especially less so. None of them had much choice after Lu Bu's campaigns went downhill.
It's almost kind of terrible. So, if Zhang Liao is so worried...]
Just make sure that Lord Cao Cao does not get his hands on her. Most would underestimate a woman, and she'll be able to fight them off just fine. [...] But Lord Cao Cao has a tendency to take the women he encounters in battle as concubines.
[He's gonna be frank here. Chen Gong's guessing you probably don't want her to end up as his concubine, Zhang Liao.] Master Lu Bu himself should be watching over her, though. [Basically, if Lu Bu ends up fighting for anyone to live, it's gonna be Ling Qi.]
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Date: 2014-07-10 03:31 am (UTC)And of course everyone's hear of Tsao Tsao's...war trophies. Not only Lady Ling Qi, but Lady Diaochan as well...these two would definitely be dragged off to join the range of women in the inner palace, forced to serve Tsao Tsao for the rest of their lives. The thought makes his stomach twist and is enough to spark some of his old fighting spirit.
Maybe if he couldn't fight for himself, he could fight for them instead.]
Would you have any say on where she will be positioned?
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Date: 2014-07-10 03:44 am (UTC)What are you planning? Why does he have a faint idea of it?]
Of course I do! If there's anyone who listens to me without question, it's her. [Which is just another sign of how horribly deluded she is. Chen Gong isn't a backstabber or an unpleasant man of any sort in her eyes. No, he's one of the people working valiantly to lead her father to victory. A man wiser than any other she's known, one to seek advice and guidance from.
That is an incredibly unhealthy impression of Chen Gong.]
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Date: 2014-07-10 04:27 am (UTC)[If she ever found out Zhang Liao had been discussing this, he knows she'll never forgive him. But that's fine with him.]
Therefore, please ensure she is near your person at all times. My blade can cut through steel and iron but in terms of tactics and strategies, I fear that once Tsao Tsao makes his move I may be hard pressed to ensure her safety. I will be fighting with our lord and he will surely be the target of the enemy. It would not be wise to have her near us.
I believe that your understanding of the battlefield far outshines mine. And as you say, she listens to your counsel; should the tide turn against us I will entrust her to your best judgement of the situation.
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Date: 2014-07-10 09:26 am (UTC)Understood. [Did he really just say that-] She isn't as hard to manage as Master Lu Bu, thankfully. It won't be hard to ensure the survival of one person.
[She'll live, then. If anything, Lu Bu himself will make sure of it, as long as he is alive.]
...My, we're speaking as though we're already on our death beds! My genius could very well turn the tables. [Haha. Ha. Yeah.]
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Date: 2014-07-10 10:22 am (UTC)Still, he is grateful that Chen Gong is helping him out here. So in return he says nothing on that. And this chat with Chen Gong has at least helped him to see his position a little clearer; he's gone astray quite badly but at the very least he can ensure that the most innocent out of them all escapes with her life. It doesn't sit well with him that out of all of them, she'll have to be the one to pick up the pieces after they're all dead and gone (would Chen Gong perish along with them? He has no idea). But so long as she breathes she'll be able to chart her own path, hopefully one that isn't as destructive as the one her father walked on.
This isn't honor. Nor is it might. Could it be weakness? He's not sure. But he doesn't...think it's so terrible to consider other people's lives ahead of his own.
So just briefly, he allows the smallest of smiles to flicker, and he'll express his gratefulness to Chen Gong.]
Thank you, Master Chen Gong. It eases my spirit to know that at least she shall be safe. I've watched her grow from a girl to the young woman she is now; I would not want her cut down in her prime.
[And the smile turns off, fading back into something that betrays how sad Zhang Liao is about this.]
...though if it should come to it, it is sad for a child to grow up without a father.
[He sounds like it's something that personally doesn't stick well with him.]
tl;dr: shoehorned family angst from ROTK
Date: 2014-07-10 11:13 am (UTC)Moving on, though. Zhang Liao's last sentence actually strikes a chord in the strategist, which is incredibly rare. And perhaps somewhat of a good thing in a situation like this. When he decided to follow his ambition and follow his goal, Chen Gong left quite a handful of people behind in order to spread his name across the land. And if he succeeded (he will succeed he will), they'd hear it too. And they'd know he got what he left for.
But it looks like his mother and daughter will never hear his name again, besides each other's lips. And while he doesn't let the fact that it kinda hurts show at all, that doesn't render it null and void. He opposed Lu Bu's various attempts at marrying his daughter off for alliances, and while he was pretty sure they were simply due to strategic reasoning, everything he's believed in is being questioned now. Including his own thoughts. Not to mention the fact that Lu Bu eventually grew quite attached to his daughter...
It's kind of familiar. And kind of sad. When was the last time he even saw...?]
Such is the way of war. And least, when the land is eventually united, things will change.
[Chen Gong might be intentionally trying to sound indifferent right now.]
headcanon headcanon HEADCANON
Date: 2014-07-10 11:57 am (UTC)But then again, Zhang Liao isn't one to talk. He's never revealed anything about his life before he joined the army. No one will know that he's leaving a fair number of younger siblings behind and an ageing mother, though he has made an effort to keep in touch with them. His last letter...he sent that back when Liu Bei was still at Xiaopei. How time flies...]
As cruel as it sounds, I have to agree with you.
[And if he had known Chen Gong was leaving a daughter behind, he might have actually spoken up right here and now; take Lady Ling Qi with you, take her and go back to your family and live. Glory is a dead thing to Zhang Liao; he doesn't know what it means anymore.
Unfortunately, what is communication between these two? Such private matters are sacrosanct, though he raises the issue in a slightly different way.]
...would you consider it a warrior's might, to care for those under his command?
delicious nutritious headcanon and history-matching
Date: 2014-07-10 12:28 pm (UTC)God, he sounds like Cao Cao now.
Which reminds him- his family was still at Dongjun. Under Cao Cao's command. Chen Gong knows the man enough to deduce that, ruthless as he may be, he will have little to gain from killing the relatives of a strategist who has already defected. But minimal to no contact has to be kept with them to ensure Chen Gong's assumption of Cao Cao's selective mercy doesn't become a blunder. It's not that he doesn't want to send letters. It's not that he doesn't want to run home. They live under Cao Cao's rule. He literally can't.
And never will, because they failed to kill Cao Cao at Puyang, and it looks like Lu Bu is almost trying to keep the fucker alive. If they could just kill Cao Cao, they could've taken over Dongjun after picking on his forces that will scatter and panic at their leader's death. They could've made things so much easier.
But life rarely goes how you want it to.]
Some would call it foolish, rather than a warrior's might. [...] But the land would never support someone without benevolence. It's true in history, and will stay true for quite a length of time. I myself have no opinion on the matter, but the people believe it to be part of a warrior's might. They seem to love stories of how people with kind hearts overcome their initial reluctance to battle and devote themselves to the greater good, so on so forth.
[He'll just leave it at that.]
on nom nom nom
Date: 2014-07-10 01:01 pm (UTC)[ He speaks neutrally. Liu Bei...he's nice, and Zhang Liao has seen how the people love him, but Liu Bei strikes him more of a man for peace times rather than the chaos around them. It is the presence of Liu Bei's brothers that lend weight to his words; if not for Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, Liu Bei would have little to back him up with.
Overall, not a very inspiring man. ]
...how can a man who does not wish to fight earn the respect of those who need his protection?
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Date: 2014-07-11 04:25 am (UTC)[But he has more to say than that.] Think of it this way... let's say that someone does not wish to fight, but is mature enough to understand it needs to happen, and has the strength to do it in the first place. Someone of that disposition will have resolved an inner struggle with themselves, and are much more likely to charge into battle for what people consider the 'noble' reasons. The land looks up to not only the physically strong, but the clear-minded, the mentally adept. 'Benevolent' figures of the past always seem to follow such a formula.
[Trust the neutral party with absolutely none of the traits he just mentioned to give a low-down on morality and leadership.] Obviously, not many people are quite like that.
I do not believe Liu Bei has the mental strength and maturity to fit that 'benevolent figure'. Of course, this is simply an assumption.
You used the B word.
Date: 2014-07-11 05:33 am (UTC)...and then a thought occurs to him.]
Perhaps what you refer to is not the might of a warrior, but a leader. Liu Bei speaks often of the people and how he wishes to bring peace back to the land for their benefit. That is why the people fight for him. [And how they adore him too.] I wonder then if a leader's might is derived from the ideals he fights for, while the warrior's might comes from his strength.
I do not believe that warriors as powerful as Lord Lu Bu and Master Guan Yu wield less might than Liu Bei. But perhaps Liu Bei has his own strength drawn from his benevolence and his kindness, and that is why he is regarded as a benevolent leader.
i used the B word so many times my clothes turned green
Date: 2014-07-11 07:18 am (UTC)That make sense.
If he was thinking that deeply about this, anyway.]
And together, they make the might of an army. [Ho hum.] Someone could have his or her own might, but it could mean little until combined with someone else's. Is that what you mean?
[So, you're a mighty warrior, Zhang Liao- but under Lu Bu, that means nothing. Zilch. Nadda.]
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Date: 2014-07-11 09:23 am (UTC)That should be the foundation of every good army.
[He lets out a quiet, self-depreciating chuckle.]
I have been so consumed with following the path of the warrior. And in doing so, I have not only fallen off it. I considered talk of strategies and tactics matters I should not concern myself with. As the warrior, I had thought that my role was simply to carry out orders. Instead of speaking to Lord Lu Bu and providing my counsel, I kept silent and allowed him to revile you when your words were all that could've kept us safe.
[Indeed, if he now's the honesty hour...he sort of liked it when you got your ass handed to you Chen Gong.]
I was more concerned with my own selfish goals. No wonder I have fallen to this sorry state.
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Date: 2014-07-11 01:11 pm (UTC)Fate really is cruel. Not only is everything falling apart [HE SAID IT OUT LOUD] but the salt is being continuously rubbed in my wound. [Aka, gosh, shut up Zhang Liao. That really hammers the fact in, huh.
...The candle on his desk goes out, at the writing underneath it almost seems to melt away as the darkness settles. Oops.] That's the second candle this night. It must be getting late.
[...
Look, he's not really chasing you out. Not like Chen Gong is gonna sleep much, anyway.]
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Date: 2014-07-11 01:37 pm (UTC)You could also be clearer on that. Zhang Liao takes that as a sign that Chen Gong wants to be left alone. Zhang Liao's pride and emotions have taken enough of a beating as it is.]
Pardon me then, Master Chen Gong. I shan't tarry any longer. Thank you for your time.
[He salutes. But before he leaves, he feels he should...probably make a better effort than that poor apology.]
Tomorrow may be the last battle for either of us. And though I still find your behaviour...distasteful, you are a far better strategist than I had expected. I would not call it an honor, but perhaps a better word is a privilege.