calvino | I try to focus but everything's twisted

[It's funny, how Zhang Liao is trying to seek clarity from the man who's seeing muddied stars for the first time in years.

The path ahead is in shambles. As the strategist, Chen Gong's job is to see the way to victory. To notice the hurdles no one else can, and to take the short cuts no one else realizes are there. He has burning ambition, and the burning will serve as the guiding light for Lu Bu.

So why isn't he listening? How can a man have such power, such strength, and not possess an ounce of rationality? He must've joined Dong Zhuo for a reason, right? He must've killed him for one too! His actions don't make sense. Everything doesn't add up.

(Because people are not fixed, rational things. Like battles, and how fast an arrow flies.) Chen Gong winces as there's the sound of knocking- and he won't attempt to keep the fact that he's annoyed a secret.

It's clear in his voice as he opens the door.] Yes, what is it, Master Zhang Liao?

[ Zhang Liao hesitates slightly; Chen Gong is not his usual self. Irritation is an ugly emotion but its sound rings worse when it's heard from those who rarely wield it.

The strategist's impatience, and Zhang Liao's uneasiness...and the tension in the castle...they all essentially had the same source. And as much as he tries to quash his inner thoughts, it is both honor and reason that have led him here to Chen Gong's room. He cannot leave, as much as he wants to. Not if he is to enter what might be his last battle tomorrow.

He bows his head and salutes Chen Gong sharply, respectful and polite as always. ]

Forgive me. I would rather not interrupt, but I seek your counsel and your advice for tomorrow's battle. Your wisdom and insight has proven useful in the past, and I would be humbly grateful if you could spare me a few moments of your time, Master Chen Gong.

[It's not like Zhang Liao is interrupting anything, other than Chen Gong's descent into losing his mind over his welling troubles. So at least, the strategist isn't going to chase Zhang Liao away.

All the pieces are in place. All the pieces, except for Lu Bu. He's got a whole plan- (even to deal with them breaking inside the castle. He's prepared. But no one else is).]

...Well, at least someone here doesn't let my words fall on deaf ears. [Oh, guess who's bitter? Chen Gong does open the door more widely, though. He can step inside, if he so wants.

Discussing in the hallways is so blatant.]

[Zhang Liao straightens and utters his thanks before he steps into the strategist's domain. He casts a quick eye around; he's rarely spoken to Chen Gong outside the battlefield or during their strategy meetings, and his only impression of the man has been formed so far from their war councils. It...isn't the most positive of opinions, but he supposes that it's the difference in character that causes Zhang Liao to privately find Chen Gong annoying.

Once the door is shut behind them and they've both taken a seat, then only does Zhang Liao start to speak.]

I will speak candidly. Master Chen Gong...what is might to you?

[Why, isn't that a question? Chen Gong doesn't quite care about making individuals think highly of him, with how he sucks up- his true power is in the rumors he spreads, and the image he portrays to the masses. 'A man of unparalleled loyalty serving the strongest in the land, after leaving Cao Cao upon seeing the atrocities committed by his former lord'. It has a nice ring to it.]

Might... the mightiest win the battles, and those who win the battles will conquer the land. [Or at least, that's what he believed in. He closes his eyes a mite too long, keeping his face steady.]

Might is a weapon, not too different from ballistas and arrows. But it is one of the most versatile and useful, and also difficult to control. [...] What makes you ask that, Master Zhang Liao?

[Compared to his lord, the warrior listens in silence and intently. What Chen Gong had told him...that is what he believes in as well. And yet when once it would have invoked an burning passion and desire to fight, now it only rings hollow.

Zhang Liao bows his head slightly, considering how to answer. His tone is neutral and his expression never-changing, but still something lingers in his voice. A pause, a reluctance, and inside he feels as if significant effort is required to pull the words out his mouth.]

I walk the warrior's path; it is only natural that I would seek might. And I had thought might to mean strength, strength enough to tear through the battlefield and strike fear into the hearts of the enemy.

[Hm. Chen Gong has a very quick answer to that, and an almost uneasy but cheeky smile finds its way to his face.]

If that meant might, Master Lu Bu would have conquered the land ages ago.

[There is a brief pause. Maybe it's because Chen Gong doesn't want to return immediately to wallowing in self-pity, or maybe it's because he has a lot to say on this subject, himself- but he doesn't stop there.] You seek a warrior's might, which is also different from the might of strategist, or even a child. [...] And even then, any kind of might could be achieved differently, though they always share a few core principles.

[Which a lot of people lack.] How did you think you could gain might, then? Simply through strength?

[...his eyes slide away from Chen Gong's smile.]

Yes.

[From his youth, he has always pursued strength in the hopes of attaining might. But the passion of youth has been tempered with the realities of war, and having crossed blades with heroes both foul and fair, he has to admit that he feels rather foolish.]

I had thought that the ultimate warrior would be he who is the strongest in the land. And so I trained hard and fought with spirit and vigour, hoping to claim that title as my own some day.

Edited 2014-07-06 06:42 (UTC)

[Zhang Liao doesn't protest to it, so on his face that smile stays. It betrays how grave he knows the situation is- but oh well.

He's a genius. He'll find a way.

He has to.

And for now, he can relax and continue speaking.] You were praised by Master Lu Bu as one of the strongest warriors in this land. If you come now, asking about might, I suppose that means it's not enough.

[That's not the might you're after, right, Zhang Liao?] Let me ask you the first question, then- do you value your honor as a warrior? By that, I mean you will hold onto it, even if it may be better to let it go.

[He continues to avert his gaze from Chen Gong; Zhang Liao is deliberately trying to avoid bringing their lord into this conversation, and the very fact that he has to do so fills him with a sense of shame that he can't explain.]

...yet I do not feel strong at all. I do not understand; I have slain many and proven myself in battle, but I do not think myself any closer to attaining true might.

[The Troubled Warrior is an image that does not normally appear in mind to describe Zhang Liao. Nor is he normally seen to brood. He's well-respected by his men, and enjoys special notice by the strongest man in China. By all rights, if he were indeed walking the path of the warrior, he should be able to charge into battle tomorrow with no doubts to hold him back.

But his doubts have always been there. Just well hidden, till now.

He does look up eyes alert when Chen Gong mentions honor. Honor and might had little to do with each other, in his opinion, but he regards honor as important to have as might.]

Of course. A warrior must have his honor. If not he ceases to be little more than a blood thirsty brute.

[People like Zhang Liao are so... odd, in that sense. Lu Bu is wronging them by refusing to admit to his own flaws and recognize the finer aspects of battles. As long as no one who shouldn't hear it is nearby, Chen Gong will yap about him all he wants.

Then again, Chen Gong never really gained the habit of watching his tongue. He has the gall to raise his voice against Lu Bu, if needed- though, it never works.]

Some could perceive fighting without honor holding them back as might. Of course, they're not nearly as popular as the 'virtuous warriors' of legend, and become demonized over time before having their legend lost completely. [Having your legend lost sounds terrible. If there's any fear he has, just a little bit-]

If you still believe in honor, [honor schmonor, you're talking to the man who fabricated a story surrounding his defection of Wei and went off to aid Lu Bu in a heartbeat] then tell me this, first- since honor is so essential, what exactly do you think 'honor' entails?

Honor is to wield your weapon with pride and dignity. It is to treat both comrades and enemies with respect, to hold nothing back in battle and to test each other's abilities to their fullest. No matter who lives and who dies, two honourable warriors will recognize each others capabilities and virtues even if they stand on opposite sides of the battlefield.

A warrior who has any honor in him will be fierce to those who come against him, but raises no blade to those who have surrendered or to the innocent. He is responsible to the men under his care, and to his comrades-in-arms. He has an obligation to protect the weak and to use his strength only for good.

[His voice is strong and clear, and he speaks with conviction. Where before he was polite and neutral, now he's emboldened and passionate.]

There, that was easy. Your might is partly in your honor.

[That's a cop-out answer, Chen Gong, and you know it. He blinks for a moment after he says that, almost wanting to laugh. Why the hell are you following Lu Bu, Zhang Liao? Oh well. It's too late for that now. Chen Gong can't say that out loud. As much as he might be flawed in his perception of people outside of battle... he's followed Lu Bu long enough to understand that if honor was the last thing standing between him and conquest, he would stab honor in ten places and desecrate its funeral after it stalled him, all out of annoyance.]

So we have honor, and we have strength. Here's another question- why do you want to be a warrior?

[If Chen Gong had laughed, Zhang Liao would've punched him. This is serious warrior business ok?

He wants to ask more on what Chen Gong means, because while honor's fine and all it's just a virtue. Honor dictates how you live your life; it doesn't give you the strength to win battles. Kind, virtuous men die because although they may have had honor they had not the strength to defend their honor.

But first, to Chen Gong's next question. It's a deeply personal one, and Zhang Liao pauses to consider how best to explain it to Chen Gong.]

I knew a good man. He lived his life as a warrior and though he perished to save his family...I wanted to be like him, to live a life that I would be proud to call my own. That is why I chose this path.

[You should just punch him anyway, Zhang Liao. Chen Gong is perpetually deserving of one.

And if only Chen Gong could read his thoughts. Things would be so much easier. Why can't people just say what they're thinking? Emotions and ideologies are so much more complicated than battle tactics.]

Am I correct to assume you want to be a 'good man' too, then? [Hah, a good man. Chen Gong wants his name to reverberated across the land, while being synonymous to that phrase. A good man. A genius. Ah, but some things are never meant to be.] A warrior who perished to save his family... it's not an uncommon tale. Are you a warrior with the ultimate motivation to protect whatever is close to you?

[Or just the people, in general? ...Does Zhang Liao even have anything close to him? Chen Gong doesn't know. He doesn't pay attention to most people.]

[It's hard enough to insult Zhang Liao. Though with Chen Gong's bluntness, who knows? ~~Too bad they'll never find out.~~

And there are reasons why Zhang Liao is so secretive about his personal affairs. He keeps them close to his heart, under lock and key. Honestly no one has ever approached him about his motivations or asked about his desires or goals. It's a bit...strange for him to talk about them to Chen Gong of all people. After having spent so many years keeping secrets, it did feel a little liberating to speak of them.]

That man...I feel that he had lived well. He was respected by his village and his family, and feared by his foes. He craved not riches or fame, content with the simple life of a farmer. Perhaps...too content.

[He's hesitant, aware that if he should continue to explain he might give himself away. But what does he have to lose? Chen Gong is no assassin, sent to deal with a traitor's family for an act of treason carried out a few generations ago.]

...I believe he died because he did not attain enough strength. He walked the path of the warrior but he had become complacent, and perhaps that is why he could did not have enough strength to defend himself.

[A pause.]

In the past I sought strength as a means to protect. I sought a warrior's might to ensure that peace would return to the land. Now, after so many years...now I know not why I pursue it. I have caused nothing but hardship and suffering to the people.

[He's deliberately being vague here, but hopefully that's a good enough answer for Chen Gong to work with. He is the strategist, he should be able to magically read thoughts.]

Edited (Wow I missed Chen Gong's second question. Sorry!) 2014-07-07 11:03 (UTC)

[~~Oh wow you're really rubbing it in.~~ And Chen Gong finds it odd that Zhang Liao's telling all this now, too- does he truly believe they are doomed to the point that he has to get a weight off his chest, or he'll never rest in peace? Perhaps. Perhaps. Despite the fact that he will repeat the words there's nothing to worry about and as a strategist it is my job to overcome these adversities, if Chen Gong could run away and somehow rebuild while following another man...

But no. That's impossible. If he does, Chen Gong's name will be soiled forever in history, as a defecting coward. The people won't chant him name- they'll spit on it.

He can't turn back. He has no choice but to win. He will win.]

Peace would return to the land if Master Lu Bu succeeds in uniting it. [Oh, did he say 'if'? He meant 'when', of course. Of course...] I do not believe he will walk the path of a tyrant, like Dong Zhuo.

[Look, mind-reading is really hard, okay? He's mastered mind-reading the logical aspects of the human thought process- how else can be predict the machinations of a battle?- but not the ones that aren't so concrete. Feelings? Loyalties? Why can't everyone just be logical, and things go according to plan without those getting in the way? So many strategies are foiled by the whimsical nature of the human heart.]

Besides, causing hardship and suffering is essential on the path of conquest. [That's what you want, right? Conquest? ...For peace? And power too? Of course you want power. Everyone wants power.] If you followed that vision before, you most likely still follow it now. It may just be... harder to attain than you originally believed.

[It has been on his mind and heart for several days-, no, weeks really, ever since he first entered Dong Zhuo's service. He could never forget what happened to Luo Yang, and while he did not have a direct hand in it, he hadn't stepped in to stop the atrocities in the city. It chills him a little, to consider his position if his family had been in the city at that time.

If tomorrow's battle is a deciding one, then Zhang Liao wishes to go in with no doubts. No regrets.]

I...was naive then. Perhaps I still am. I had thought that might was all that mattered, and that so long as I had might, I would be one step closer to my goal. But is it a goal worth fighting for when all that lies before me is chaos and destruction?

[His voice picks up a little in tempo and volume.] Tell me, Master Chen Gong; when you see me in battle, do you see a man? Or do you see a monster that loses himself in his blood lust? Do you see a warrior or a demon? How can a demon in battle protect those that he cares about? I fear I have lost my path, and the way back is shrouded in a darkness that my blades alone cannot dispel.

Edited 2014-07-07 14:18 (UTC)

[I simply see a rather strong pawn that would be a useful asset in battle.

He knows that if he says that, though, he'll probably get socked in the face for real. Or would he?] I see... an asset. [There, he cut out the 'pawn' part.] Someone of considerably magnificent skill, an essential power.

[Apparently, Zhang Liao is now 'considerably magnificent'. Chen Gong's speech is almost naturally tuned towards buttering people up, really- while he means to give no praise in those words, one could interpret them as so.] But I'll be honest with you. I see only that. A force, you could say.

A force definitely possesses strength, but lacks the ability to choose its direction. On a brighter note, it also lacks the ability to consciously engage in malicious acts. [His voice pipes up a bit at that, but it doesn't take a genius to tell that it won't help with the mood.] ...Which begs the question. Are you doubtful of Master Lu Bu?

[Chen Gong you don't just ask that-]

[Oddly enough, he wouldn't. Zhang Liao is aware of his role in the battlefield as a soldier and a vassal to Lord Lu Bu, and has accepted that he is to obey his orders without question. That is the proper way of things, after all. To serve your lord with unflinching loyalty as a servant to a greater man.

He settles down slightly but looks no less troubled than when he had his slight outburst just moments ago. If nothing, Chen Gong has only made him more confused and uncomfortable.]

Of course not. I will never doubt his strength. I will follow him even if it leads me to death's door.

[He can say that with a straight face and a clean conscience, because he's technically given an answer that he's used so many times to reason out why he still believes in his lord.]

To say that I had no choice in the matter...that would be true disrespect to those who have fallen by my hand. I was the one who chose this path. And it is I who their eyes beheld as their last earthly sight before I sent them to their graves.

It is as you said; one must have might to conquer the land and end the chaos. I believe that Lord Lu Bu is the strongest man of our times, and the only one capable of putting an end to these troubled years.

Edited 2014-07-07 15:04 (UTC)

[Chen Gong has a tendency to make people confused and uncomfortable. It's basically a strategist's job description, after all.]

Then we joined him for the same reason. [Not, because Lu Bu is the strongest man of their times and the only one capable of spreading his name with ease across the country. Never again will he fight for glory amongst the other strategists choking up Cao Cao's army. It was always Guo Jia who won, anyway.]

If you know that, then why are you still troubled? Seeing the brutality of battle may be unsettling, but the bigger picture should help quell most feelings. [...] Surely, it means you have some smidgen of doubt.

[Right? He has to. ...Right?]

What is the bigger picture then, Master Chen Gong? Are we truly fighting for peace in the land? I have followed Lord Lu Bu through thick and thin; I pledge my allegiance to him and I will follow him to the next world if I must, but fealty does not mean that I have lost my senses.

[It’s hard for him to spit out his true thoughts; hard because it feels wrong to speak ill of his lord, hard because it’s to admit that Zhang Liao has been wrong all this time, and that he’s been fighting for all the wrong reasons.

The warrior does not shirk reproach, he reminds himself. He must know when to admit his faults. Yet it is a bitter pill for him to swallow, to finally admit to Chen Gong his greatest fear.]

We do not fight for the good of the people or to restore the Han. We fight because we seek war. We seek the challenge that the other warring lords provide us, and we care not for those we trample, drunk in our own blood lust and power.

There is no honor, in such a fight. Only selfish desires and reckless abandon.

[...So, it looks like some things pass through that head of yours, Zhang Liao. Your vision isn't as narrow and obsessively one-tracked as Chen Gong though.]

Master Lu Bu seeks the challenge, you mean. [Are the doors shut? Yes, they are. Will Zhang Liao kill him for this? ...] The others follow him because restoring peace to the land is a bonus they believe is his main goal. His daughter included.

[If he's gonna get beheaded, well... he should've gotten beheaded already. When Cao Cao approached the castle to tell them to surrender, Chen Gong was the one who shot a fucking arrow at Cao Cao's head that took the red plume of his helmet.

They are not surrendering. If they do now, his name-] He would make a better ruler than our current one [that's not saying much] if he sought it out more.

By the way, as long as I'm still alive, you won't be defecting. [Just putting that out there.]

[Zhang Liao pauses, and then shakes his head.]
Not just Master Lu Bu. I-

[….well, there goes that heartfelt confession. Zhang Liao doesn’t get angry very often, but he will not sit here and have his loyalty questioned by a two-timing slimeball right after he’s declared that he’s not going anywhere.]

Master Chen Gong, you confuse my quandaries with cowardice! I have sworn that I will lay down my life for our lord and fight to the very end; that you would even question my loyalty is a far graver insult than any that has been laid before me. I would rather die a hundred deaths than turn my back on Master Lu Bu!

[He’s never lost his cool in battle. Clearly Chen Gong has crossed some lines. Damage control is needed. Urgently.]

[Damage control is not administered immediately, because Chen Gong just jumps a bit before looking away just for a few seconds. Normally, he would be quick to put on an apologetic tone and bow, but the mere fact that he isn't right now might mean the troubles hanging on his head are far worse than what it seems.]

Now, don't be so hasty! [After that pause, however, that wily speech comes back.] You must understand- I don't intend to insult you, but the fact remains that a strategist's role is to question even what most would consider absolute truths.

Especially with the situation now. ['Situation now.'] I've no choice but to assume. Don't take it to heart; I've said that to many, not just you.

[And clearly Chen Gong has no idea exactly how deep that 'honor' goes.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

i didn't realize i forgot to redo my icons till now [[screech]]

Honestly I think your icons are great!

sobs... thank you

no subject

no subject

Oh wow, this is totally head canon here, I do apologize!

it's okay friend, we play from koei...

one day I gotta hear your Chen Gong headcanon

it's a mess let me tell you, trying to justify his koei personality while keeping rotk canon

you have it way worse than me, that's for sure.

screams into the abyss and reads rotk while sobbing

i like the twist you did there, saying that Chen Gong spread rumors.

he's slimy enough to do that... but thanks i will work out the other holes SOON

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject