I try to focus but everything's twisted
Jul. 5th, 2014 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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calvino[The warrior does not fear death.
That much Zhang Liao is confident about. No matter the odds against him, he knows with iron clad certainty that death's threats and mocking tones fall on deaf ears.
And yet there is something still that trembles within his being. He isn't scared of dying, for that is part of the path of a warrior, and he accepts. But what gnaws at him, like a small but steady drill that slowly but surely chips at a chink in his diamond-hard resolve...it cannot be described with words, but can only be felt with his heart. And in matters of the heart, Zhang Liao has no mastery of them at all. He had thought himself stronger than this, and it's both painful and loathsome to him to stand outside the door and knock three times.
But the whispers of his conscience has turned into a roar, and he can no longer bury and deny them. Not when they are buried with the screams of the dead and departed.
Zhang Liao knocks and announces himself to the one man that could give him the clarity he seeks.]
Master Chen Gong. Pardon me for this intrusion but may I have a few words with you?
That much Zhang Liao is confident about. No matter the odds against him, he knows with iron clad certainty that death's threats and mocking tones fall on deaf ears.
And yet there is something still that trembles within his being. He isn't scared of dying, for that is part of the path of a warrior, and he accepts. But what gnaws at him, like a small but steady drill that slowly but surely chips at a chink in his diamond-hard resolve...it cannot be described with words, but can only be felt with his heart. And in matters of the heart, Zhang Liao has no mastery of them at all. He had thought himself stronger than this, and it's both painful and loathsome to him to stand outside the door and knock three times.
But the whispers of his conscience has turned into a roar, and he can no longer bury and deny them. Not when they are buried with the screams of the dead and departed.
Zhang Liao knocks and announces himself to the one man that could give him the clarity he seeks.]
Master Chen Gong. Pardon me for this intrusion but may I have a few words with you?
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Date: 2014-07-06 05:37 am (UTC)Zhang Liao bows his head slightly, considering how to answer. His tone is neutral and his expression never-changing, but still something lingers in his voice. A pause, a reluctance, and inside he feels as if significant effort is required to pull the words out his mouth.]
I walk the warrior's path; it is only natural that I would seek might. And I had thought might to mean strength, strength enough to tear through the battlefield and strike fear into the hearts of the enemy.
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Date: 2014-07-06 06:02 am (UTC)If that meant might, Master Lu Bu would have conquered the land ages ago.
[There is a brief pause. Maybe it's because Chen Gong doesn't want to return immediately to wallowing in self-pity, or maybe it's because he has a lot to say on this subject, himself- but he doesn't stop there.] You seek a warrior's might, which is also different from the might of strategist, or even a child. [...] And even then, any kind of might could be achieved differently, though they always share a few core principles.
[Which a lot of people lack.] How did you think you could gain might, then? Simply through strength?
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Date: 2014-07-06 06:41 am (UTC)Yes.
[From his youth, he has always pursued strength in the hopes of attaining might. But the passion of youth has been tempered with the realities of war, and having crossed blades with heroes both foul and fair, he has to admit that he feels rather foolish.]
I had thought that the ultimate warrior would be he who is the strongest in the land. And so I trained hard and fought with spirit and vigour, hoping to claim that title as my own some day.
i didn't realize i forgot to redo my icons till now [[screech]]
Date: 2014-07-06 07:07 am (UTC)He's a genius. He'll find a way.
He has to.
And for now, he can relax and continue speaking.] You were praised by Master Lu Bu as one of the strongest warriors in this land. If you come now, asking about might, I suppose that means it's not enough.
[That's not the might you're after, right, Zhang Liao?] Let me ask you the first question, then- do you value your honor as a warrior? By that, I mean you will hold onto it, even if it may be better to let it go.
Honestly I think your icons are great!
Date: 2014-07-06 07:28 am (UTC)...yet I do not feel strong at all. I do not understand; I have slain many and proven myself in battle, but I do not think myself any closer to attaining true might.
[The Troubled Warrior is an image that does not normally appear in mind to describe Zhang Liao. Nor is he normally seen to brood. He's well-respected by his men, and enjoys special notice by the strongest man in China. By all rights, if he were indeed walking the path of the warrior, he should be able to charge into battle tomorrow with no doubts to hold him back.
But his doubts have always been there. Just well hidden, till now.
He does look up eyes alert when Chen Gong mentions honor. Honor and might had little to do with each other, in his opinion, but he regards honor as important to have as might.]
Of course. A warrior must have his honor. If not he ceases to be little more than a blood thirsty brute.
sobs... thank you
Date: 2014-07-06 09:50 am (UTC)Then again, Chen Gong never really gained the habit of watching his tongue. He has the gall to raise his voice against Lu Bu, if needed- though, it never works.]
Some could perceive fighting without honor holding them back as might. Of course, they're not nearly as popular as the 'virtuous warriors' of legend, and become demonized over time before having their legend lost completely. [Having your legend lost sounds terrible. If there's any fear he has, just a little bit-]
If you still believe in honor, [honor schmonor, you're talking to the man who fabricated a story surrounding his defection of Wei and went off to aid Lu Bu in a heartbeat] then tell me this, first- since honor is so essential, what exactly do you think 'honor' entails?
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Date: 2014-07-06 10:20 am (UTC)A warrior who has any honor in him will be fierce to those who come against him, but raises no blade to those who have surrendered or to the innocent. He is responsible to the men under his care, and to his comrades-in-arms. He has an obligation to protect the weak and to use his strength only for good.
[His voice is strong and clear, and he speaks with conviction. Where before he was polite and neutral, now he's emboldened and passionate.]
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Date: 2014-07-06 10:37 am (UTC)[That's a cop-out answer, Chen Gong, and you know it. He blinks for a moment after he says that, almost wanting to laugh. Why the hell are you following Lu Bu, Zhang Liao? Oh well. It's too late for that now. Chen Gong can't say that out loud. As much as he might be flawed in his perception of people outside of battle... he's followed Lu Bu long enough to understand that if honor was the last thing standing between him and conquest, he would stab honor in ten places and desecrate its funeral after it stalled him, all out of annoyance.]
So we have honor, and we have strength. Here's another question- why do you want to be a warrior?
Oh wow, this is totally head canon here, I do apologize!
Date: 2014-07-06 10:49 am (UTC)He wants to ask more on what Chen Gong means, because while honor's fine and all it's just a virtue. Honor dictates how you live your life; it doesn't give you the strength to win battles. Kind, virtuous men die because although they may have had honor they had not the strength to defend their honor.
But first, to Chen Gong's next question. It's a deeply personal one, and Zhang Liao pauses to consider how best to explain it to Chen Gong.]
I knew a good man. He lived his life as a warrior and though he perished to save his family...I wanted to be like him, to live a life that I would be proud to call my own. That is why I chose this path.
it's okay friend, we play from koei...
Date: 2014-07-06 11:44 am (UTC)And if only Chen Gong could read his thoughts. Things would be so much easier. Why can't people just say what they're thinking? Emotions and ideologies are so much more complicated than battle tactics.]
Am I correct to assume you want to be a 'good man' too, then? [Hah, a good man. Chen Gong wants his name to reverberated across the land, while being synonymous to that phrase. A good man. A genius. Ah, but some things are never meant to be.] A warrior who perished to save his family... it's not an uncommon tale. Are you a warrior with the ultimate motivation to protect whatever is close to you?
[Or just the people, in general? ...Does Zhang Liao even have anything close to him? Chen Gong doesn't know. He doesn't pay attention to most people.]
one day I gotta hear your Chen Gong headcanon
Date: 2014-07-06 02:11 pm (UTC)Too bad they'll never find out.And there are reasons why Zhang Liao is so secretive about his personal affairs. He keeps them close to his heart, under lock and key. Honestly no one has ever approached him about his motivations or asked about his desires or goals. It's a bit...strange for him to talk about them to Chen Gong of all people. After having spent so many years keeping secrets, it did feel a little liberating to speak of them.]
That man...I feel that he had lived well. He was respected by his village and his family, and feared by his foes. He craved not riches or fame, content with the simple life of a farmer. Perhaps...too content.
[He's hesitant, aware that if he should continue to explain he might give himself away. But what does he have to lose? Chen Gong is no assassin, sent to deal with a traitor's family for an act of treason carried out a few generations ago.]
...I believe he died because he did not attain enough strength. He walked the path of the warrior but he had become complacent, and perhaps that is why he could did not have enough strength to defend himself.
[A pause.]
In the past I sought strength as a means to protect. I sought a warrior's might to ensure that peace would return to the land. Now, after so many years...now I know not why I pursue it. I have caused nothing but hardship and suffering to the people.
[He's deliberately being vague here, but hopefully that's a good enough answer for Chen Gong to work with. He is the strategist, he should be able to magically read thoughts.]
it's a mess let me tell you, trying to justify his koei personality while keeping rotk canon
Date: 2014-07-07 01:54 pm (UTC)Oh wow you're really rubbing it in.And Chen Gong finds it odd that Zhang Liao's telling all this now, too- does he truly believe they are doomed to the point that he has to get a weight off his chest, or he'll never rest in peace? Perhaps. Perhaps. Despite the fact that he will repeat the words there's nothing to worry about and as a strategist it is my job to overcome these adversities, if Chen Gong could run away and somehow rebuild while following another man...But no. That's impossible. If he does, Chen Gong's name will be soiled forever in history, as a defecting coward. The people won't chant him name- they'll spit on it.
He can't turn back. He has no choice but to win. He will win.]
Peace would return to the land if Master Lu Bu succeeds in uniting it. [Oh, did he say 'if'? He meant 'when', of course. Of course...] I do not believe he will walk the path of a tyrant, like Dong Zhuo.
[Look, mind-reading is really hard, okay? He's mastered mind-reading the logical aspects of the human thought process- how else can be predict the machinations of a battle?- but not the ones that aren't so concrete. Feelings? Loyalties? Why can't everyone just be logical, and things go according to plan without those getting in the way? So many strategies are foiled by the whimsical nature of the human heart.]
Besides, causing hardship and suffering is essential on the path of conquest. [That's what you want, right? Conquest? ...For peace? And power too? Of course you want power. Everyone wants power.] If you followed that vision before, you most likely still follow it now. It may just be... harder to attain than you originally believed.
you have it way worse than me, that's for sure.
Date: 2014-07-07 02:17 pm (UTC)If tomorrow's battle is a deciding one, then Zhang Liao wishes to go in with no doubts. No regrets.]
I...was naive then. Perhaps I still am. I had thought that might was all that mattered, and that so long as I had might, I would be one step closer to my goal. But is it a goal worth fighting for when all that lies before me is chaos and destruction?
[His voice picks up a little in tempo and volume.] Tell me, Master Chen Gong; when you see me in battle, do you see a man? Or do you see a monster that loses himself in his blood lust? Do you see a warrior or a demon? How can a demon in battle protect those that he cares about? I fear I have lost my path, and the way back is shrouded in a darkness that my blades alone cannot dispel.
screams into the abyss and reads rotk while sobbing
Date: 2014-07-07 02:41 pm (UTC)He knows that if he says that, though, he'll probably get socked in the face for real. Or would he?] I see... an asset. [There, he cut out the 'pawn' part.] Someone of considerably magnificent skill, an essential power.
[Apparently, Zhang Liao is now 'considerably magnificent'. Chen Gong's speech is almost naturally tuned towards buttering people up, really- while he means to give no praise in those words, one could interpret them as so.] But I'll be honest with you. I see only that. A force, you could say.
A force definitely possesses strength, but lacks the ability to choose its direction. On a brighter note, it also lacks the ability to consciously engage in malicious acts. [His voice pipes up a bit at that, but it doesn't take a genius to tell that it won't help with the mood.] ...Which begs the question. Are you doubtful of Master Lu Bu?
[Chen Gong you don't just ask that-]
i like the twist you did there, saying that Chen Gong spread rumors.
Date: 2014-07-07 03:02 pm (UTC)He settles down slightly but looks no less troubled than when he had his slight outburst just moments ago. If nothing, Chen Gong has only made him more confused and uncomfortable.]
Of course not. I will never doubt his strength. I will follow him even if it leads me to death's door.
[He can say that with a straight face and a clean conscience, because he's technically given an answer that he's used so many times to reason out why he still believes in his lord.]
To say that I had no choice in the matter...that would be true disrespect to those who have fallen by my hand. I was the one who chose this path. And it is I who their eyes beheld as their last earthly sight before I sent them to their graves.
It is as you said; one must have might to conquer the land and end the chaos. I believe that Lord Lu Bu is the strongest man of our times, and the only one capable of putting an end to these troubled years.
he's slimy enough to do that... but thanks i will work out the other holes SOON
Date: 2014-07-07 11:08 pm (UTC)Then we joined him for the same reason. [Not, because Lu Bu is the strongest man of their times and the only one capable of spreading his name with ease across the country. Never again will he fight for glory amongst the other strategists choking up Cao Cao's army. It was always Guo Jia who won, anyway.]
If you know that, then why are you still troubled? Seeing the brutality of battle may be unsettling, but the bigger picture should help quell most feelings. [...] Surely, it means you have some smidgen of doubt.
[Right? He has to. ...Right?]
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Date: 2014-07-08 12:07 am (UTC)[It’s hard for him to spit out his true thoughts; hard because it feels wrong to speak ill of his lord, hard because it’s to admit that Zhang Liao has been wrong all this time, and that he’s been fighting for all the wrong reasons.
The warrior does not shirk reproach, he reminds himself. He must know when to admit his faults. Yet it is a bitter pill for him to swallow, to finally admit to Chen Gong his greatest fear.]
We do not fight for the good of the people or to restore the Han. We fight because we seek war. We seek the challenge that the other warring lords provide us, and we care not for those we trample, drunk in our own blood lust and power.
There is no honor, in such a fight. Only selfish desires and reckless abandon.
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Date: 2014-07-08 01:51 am (UTC)Master Lu Bu seeks the challenge, you mean. [Are the doors shut? Yes, they are. Will Zhang Liao kill him for this? ...] The others follow him because restoring peace to the land is a bonus they believe is his main goal. His daughter included.
[If he's gonna get beheaded, well... he should've gotten beheaded already. When Cao Cao approached the castle to tell them to surrender, Chen Gong was the one who shot a fucking arrow at Cao Cao's head that took the red plume of his helmet.
They are not surrendering. If they do now, his name-] He would make a better ruler than our current one [that's not saying much] if he sought it out more.
By the way, as long as I'm still alive, you won't be defecting. [Just putting that out there.]
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Date: 2014-07-08 02:50 am (UTC)Not just Master Lu Bu. I-
[….well, there goes that heartfelt confession. Zhang Liao doesn’t get angry very often, but he will not sit here and have his loyalty questioned by a two-timing slimeball right after he’s declared that he’s not going anywhere.]
Master Chen Gong, you confuse my quandaries with cowardice! I have sworn that I will lay down my life for our lord and fight to the very end; that you would even question my loyalty is a far graver insult than any that has been laid before me. I would rather die a hundred deaths than turn my back on Master Lu Bu!
[He’s never lost his cool in battle. Clearly Chen Gong has crossed some lines. Damage control is needed. Urgently.]
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Date: 2014-07-08 03:04 am (UTC)Now, don't be so hasty! [After that pause, however, that wily speech comes back.] You must understand- I don't intend to insult you, but the fact remains that a strategist's role is to question even what most would consider absolute truths.
Especially with the situation now. ['Situation now.'] I've no choice but to assume. Don't take it to heart; I've said that to many, not just you.
[And clearly Chen Gong has no idea exactly how deep that 'honor' goes.]
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Date: 2014-07-08 04:24 am (UTC)To be fair if Chen Gong had tried to cool him down with his usual flattery and buttery words, it probably would’ve riled Zhang Liao even further. He despises flatterers and liars on principle alone, which is another reason why he’s maintained a professional yet distant working relationship with Chen Gong all this time. He’s had to patiently endure all the prancing and gesturing and syrupy praises that this clown piled on Master Lu Bu, and he would rather not spend any time with the slippery man if possible. Tonight his mind and his heart are in such conflict that he had to force himself to see Chen Gong despite his dislike of the man. Surely Chen Gong should’ve been able to clue in on at least that aspect of Zhang Liao’s personality.
Isn’t it a strategist’s job to see the unseen and uncover the thoughts of men? Perhaps Chen Gong needs to reattend Strategist 101, because
Guo Jiaanother strategist might’ve been able to discern that Zhang Liao takes such slights very seriously. He came to Chen Gong with a hope that the strategist would have the wisdom and knowledge to at least paint a clearer picture of his struggles, not to have his loyalty questioned by a man who abandoned one lord for another, just for a chance of glory. Zhang Liao hadn’t even considered glory or material gain when he decided to fight under Lord Lu Bu’s banner. No, he had started out an idealistic fool, who had thought that might meant right, but that honor was imperative to walking the path of the warrior. Now he feels that he has neither might nor honor, and is instead being judged by a man who has no right to do so at all.It is enough to make a man weep.
Or punch the other in the face in an uncharacteristic fit of bottled up rage and humiliation.]
Enough! I’ll not stand to be scrutinized by the likes of you!
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Date: 2014-07-08 05:57 am (UTC)Don't mention Guo Jia in comparison to him, because Chen Gong might just punch back if you do.It should be mentioned that Chen Gong was recorded down in history for his morals more than his genius. He's a good manipulator, which may be surprising, seeing that his thickly-laid flattery might be off-putting at first. But acting so jocular just means people expect less from you.Perhaps Zhang Liao may have unwittingly uncovered the reason for why Chen Gong always works for other people other than trying to fight his way to the top. You would think, with ambitions like his own, he would at least try. But if there's one thing Chen Gong is good at doing, it's to acknowledge his own shortcomings so he can cover them up or find his way around them. That's why he's here, because he knows he's not exactly good at reading people outside of battle. And that's why the punch still comes completely out of nowhere- Chen Gong would've expected either a blade or nothing at all.
A punch is. Something.
Give him a moment, he's getting up from the floor.] 'Likes of you'? The way you speak makes me sound like some kind of abomination. [He's holding his hand over one side of his face, because god, it hurts, dammit Zhang Liao you can really throw a punch. Nothing unmanageable, but it's more than a bit annoying.
Throw him against the wall and kick him more, maybe that will get the message through.]
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Date: 2014-07-08 06:24 am (UTC)[
Good thing he doesn't know Guo Jia enough to make the comparison, or he damn well would have. It’s not as if Chen Gong’s puny arms are going to even leave a mark on him anyway.That growl that escapes Zhang Liao should be Chen Gong’s que that that may not have been the best comment about the situation. Advancing purposefully on the strategist, he grabs the man by the shoulders and slams him against the wall, hard. Intimidation and threats are not him, and when he’s not so wound up he’ll definitely feel terrible on how he just shelved good judgment and rational thought in favor of raw anger but god damn Chen Gong he has wanted to punch you since day one and as much as he won’t admit it to anyone, it feels damn good to finally wipe that smirk of your face.]
You can spin your lies to the people, spread your rumors to the soldiers, flatter Lord Lu Bu and the young Mistress Lingqi with your silver tongue, but you’ll not fool me. There’s no loyalty or honor in you, not a shred of either. You left Tsao Tsao and followed us for your own personal gain, and it’s only for your reputation that you stay. That you should seek to draw a comparison between you and I disgusts me, and I am ashamed that I have never rebuked you or mentioned your viperous nature to our lord!
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Date: 2014-07-08 11:24 pm (UTC)...That's true.If Zhang Liao thinks Chen Gong is going to stop at that, he's really got the wrong idea of him. His ambition, his pride- it's basically nonexistent now, but struggling to take hold. The feeling of being slammed against the wall does make him pause, though.
What is he doing? Why is he letting this soldier boss him around? Sure, Zhang Liao is much more than an ordinary goon, but the sheer ridiculousness of the situation finally clicks in his stress-clouded head. And his look of pain at the force Zhang Liao just used turns into a glare.]
What I'm surprised at is how you think Master Lu Bu doesn't know. [About his 'viperous nature', he means. Wait, he's not finished, don't kill him.] But fine, you look upon me with revulsion.
Give me whatever you think is the due punishment, then. [...] I just wonder how the army is going to do if the strategist is injured.
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Date: 2014-07-09 12:26 am (UTC)But Chen Gong is still correct. As much as he loathes it, the army can't operate without a strategist. Master Lu Bu may not listen but Chen Gong's directions are very effective; if they wanted any chance of coming out of tomorrow alive (victory is impossible if the leader of the army refuses to listen to his strategist, so defeated but alive to fight another day is the best he can hope for), it would be from this man's mouth.
...and what on earth is he doing in the first place? Shame fills him and he immediately drops and pulls away from Chen Gong. He's a general of this army, not some ruffian that solves his problems through brute force. And tonight, of all nights, tonight should be a time for solidarity, not for internal bickering and quarrels over petty matters. How could he have let his own inner turmoil spil into what is supposed to be a civil discussion between two men? How could he claim to have a warrior's honor when he's trying to bully and intimidate Chen Gong?
He cannot be a warrior without honor.
And there is no honor in muscling your way through things; he had strength, but he had not the warrior's might because without honor, one cannot be a warrior.
The realization sinks in and he falls to his knees, chastened.]
I beg your pardon, Master Chen Gong. I have wronged you tremendously. If anyone should be punished, it is me.
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